Crash and Burn
by Ellynndaria13
Summary: Anders likes Douglas Hawke, Douglas like Anders but somehow the signals are getting crossed.  M!Hawke/Anders
1. Anders Perspective

_A/N: Big thanks to wade bram wilson for helping me with the edit of this, and of course my best friend, I'mtheAudBal, who I force to read everything I write. :D_

_The song Paralyzer by Finger Eleven inspired me to write this, and I hope you enjoy it. Thanks for reading!_

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><p>Anders didn't know why he had bothered coming to these weekly get-togethers at the Hanged Man for almost four years. Besides Varric, he didn't exactly get along with any of Hawke's friends. Isabela wasn't too terrible either, just selfish, and more than anything Anders was jealous of that fact. They had moved their normal meeting to the main bar area tonight; the rogues were in the mood to mingle, which left Anders standing alone in a corner with his drink. Aveline and Merrill had left early, not much on the bar scene themselves, and Fenris had just left, not that Anders was sorry about that.<p>

A baritone chuckle floated over the other conversations and the sound pulled Anders' attention to the bar, which he had been trying to avoid since he stupidly decided not to leave. Maybe it was because he was standing so near a fire, or maybe it was the alcohol in his belly, but the mage was starting to sweat. Or maybe it was the same reason he always came to these meetings, and why he was currently hiding in a corner instead of going home. The chuckling washed over him again and he shivered. The owner of the laugh was leaning against the bar, talking to some blonde patron near Isabela's regular spot with his back to Anders, a sight the mage was familiar with since he did a lot of following of those broad shoulders and that slender waist. _Too bad his armor has tails, _Anders thought with a sigh.

Anders looked down at the glass in his hand, swirling the brown liquid faintly while lost in thought. Being the group's healer was something of a perk as he was needed often, but being depended upon so much was a bit daunting. The mage couldn't get distracted by the rogue practically flying and dancing across the battlefield. It also didn't help he rarely got any rest with the work he put in at the clinic during the day. At night, he tossed and turned, unable to sleep, plagued by thoughts of electric blue eyes, soft, pink lips and hard, lean muscle ever since Douglas had shown up at the clinic one night all those years ago; Anders had been almost certain the rogue was going to kiss him until they had gotten interrupted. Everything compounded, making it increasing difficult for Anders to maintain his concentration when he was near the other man.

The mage's attention was drawn back to the blonde woman as she walked away, looking slightly disappointed and returning to her table of friends. No doubt bragging about how _she_ had talked to _Douglas Hawke_ as they all giggled and ogled the handsome rogue. Anders looked back at Douglas to find the rogue had shifted his position, now leaning forward against the bar and watching Anders intently. The mage froze under the glacial blue stare and a small smile spread across Douglas' lips when their eyes met. _Maker, he caught me._ Anders tried desperately to find anything else to look at, finally settling on the floor near his feet with his heart thundering in his burning ears. The mage had to wonder though, why was Douglas watching him? _He's probably wondering why I'm standing here in the corner, staring at everyone like a gargoyle. _Anders scowled at himself, wondering again why he didn't just go home.

After shifting around nervously for a couple of minutes, he decided to risk another glance at Douglas under the guise of taking a drink. The mage brought the alcohol to his lips, looking past the glass and toward the direction of the bar. Another woman had decided to take her chance with Douglas, a brunette this time, and he was smirking at her. The way she was giggling Anders could tell the other man was flirting. There was a pang of jealousy, but to be honest it wasn't at all a shock; Douglas flirted with everyone it seemed. No doubt there was a long line of women to warm his bed at night. _And at least one man willing to, _Anders thought with another wistful sigh. Douglas looked past the woman and at Anders again, and the mage could feel himself flushing red as if the rogue could have heard his thoughts. Shakily, he brought the glass to his lips only to find it empty. _Shit, now I look like a real idiot._ Douglas looked back at the woman again, answering some question with a nod and a smile before turning to Corff and ordering two more drinks with raised fingers.

With a heavy sigh, Anders set his empty glass down on a nearby table then turned back to the fire, staring at the flames and debating on when to make an escape back to his clinic. Varric and Isabela's laughter carried across the bar and Anders started sorely wishing he could have been a rogue, it seemed like so much fun. You could live your life not caring what anyone thought, drinking whenever you wanted, sleeping in late after being up all night with your latest lover, be well liked by everyone and the life of the party. Anders' life used to be like that, except he was a mage and feared by most people, but then Justice came along and everything changed. Now he was the one pushing everyone away, and as much as he wanted to focus on the mages' plight, he was starting to long for his old life because he was lonely. Douglas was the only one who seemed to listen or care what Anders had to say, and even though he longed to be with the man, Anders doubted he could settle for just one night in the other man's arms but there was no way the dashing rogue would want anything more.

"You don't have to be over here all alone you know." Anders about jumped out of his skin and into the fireplace at the voice.

"Hawke! I, uh, know," _Brilliant response, _he groaned inwardly at himself, looking at the man who was smiling and offering him a glass. He looked at the drink and then around the tavern to find the two women Hawke had been flirting with glaring at him. He swallowed before he accepted the glass he thought had been ordered for someone else, whispering, "Thanks."

They each took a sip of their drinks while looking at one another, and Anders was certain he was going to start shaking with nerves any second. Douglas lowered his first and smiled widely at the mage when Anders continued to quickly swallow the alcohol. The mage jerked the glass down, feeling more and more self-conscious with every second the rogue spent looking at him. Hawke asked, "So, what are you doing over here all by yourself?"

"People watching," Anders blurted out quickly and thoughtlessly. Douglas raised an eyebrow at him, and Anders honestly wanted to kick himself, but his nervous mouth continued to betray him. "You can learn a lot about people by just... watching." _Maker, just take me now!_

Douglas studied him for a few moments. "Right. Well if you get tired of _people watching_," Douglas said with a slight snort, trying not to laugh, "You know where to find me. I don't bite..." Douglas seemed to ponder this last part a second, before smirking and saying, "Well, much."

Anders burst into nervous giggling before he cringed at the embarrassing noise he was making and just nodded his head in response. Douglas smiled vaguely at the mage, looking at him like he had lost his mind before he turned and walked back to the bar, but of course he was intercepted by another woman, another blonde, before he had fully made it back. _Blasted groupies._ He was surprised they were taking their turns trying to turn Douglas' head. The mage wondered when they were just going to swarm the dashing rogue while frantically screaming and pawing the man who would probably stand amongst them, smiling widely and chuckling. Anders' teeth clenched at the thought, and his eyes fluttered past the rogue to see Isabela and Varric watching him with great interest. Large, knowing smiles spread across their faces, and the mage's eyes jerked back to Douglas before looking back at the other two rogues in the party, heat burning his cheeks once more in embarrassment. Varric nodded his head slowly and Isabela set to laughing. _Shit, they know!_ And if they could tell, Douglas probably could too.

Anders had to fix this before Douglas started avoiding the unwanted attention, and he scanned the tavern to find a cute redhead sitting by herself in the corner. Taking a firm grip on his drink, he made his way over to her. She smiled at his approach, and Anders slapped a smile on his lips too. The mage introduced himself, and she told him her name, but he honestly didn't hear it, trying to plan out in his head how not to look like a complete fool in front of this woman. The way he was standing he could see where Douglas had finally made it back to the bar, chatting about something with Isabela which set them both to hysterical laughter. Anders was sure he was the topic of the conversation, and he tried to combat the burn he felt rising in his skin again. Vaguely, he heard the woman tell him about herself, the mage responding to her questions and comments with distracted half-answers and dim facial expressions. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Douglas watching him with an unreadable face, which only flustered Anders more. He tried to focus solely on flirting with the young woman in front of him instead of wanting to dash across the floor and pounce on the rogue in an embarrassing display of wanton lust. Luckily, the young woman seemed clueless to the fact he was thinking about someone else, and he guiltily took advantage of this. Anders took a sip of his drink, trying to lubricate his parched throat, shifting slightly to get the rogue out of his field of vision, and he redoubled his efforts to turn his attention on the cute redhead, but he was failing miserably. The mage continued the charade for nearly half an hour, shifting again to view the bar only to find Douglas had slipped away at some point, no doubt in some back room with one or more of the women he had been flirting with earlier. Anders' guilt finally won over, and he excused himself from the clearly disappointed woman.

Once again, he silently wished he was a rogue; slightly wanting to take advantage of the fact this woman was clearly interested in him while he wholly wanted someone else. Frustrations set the mage's blood to racing, but he wasn't a rogue and he couldn't take advantage of the poor girl like that. Anders sighed, deciding this was the perfect chance to escape unnoticed. He placed another empty glass on a table while silently cursing Justice for his inability to get drunk.

"Leaving?" Douglas had once again snuck up on Anders, and the mage jumped.

"I, uh, yes?" Anders answered uncertainly as if he didn't know whether he was or not.

Douglas smiled at him, and the mage's legs turned to jelly, and he had to use every bit of his effort not to swoon right at the rogue's feet. Douglas said, "I was about to head out too. Want me to walk you home?"

Every fiber of his being wanted Anders to scream 'Yes!' He wanted to be with the man alone anywhere, fulfilling every fantasy he had had for years, but his reason won over, answering "No, I'll be alright." Truth be told, not every fantasy just involved sex with the gorgeous man in front of him. Anders wanted more, a lot more than he would ever be offered, and he decided to spare himself the heartache by avoiding the scenarios all together.

Something flashed behind Douglas' eyes, but his smile remained unwavering. "Alright then, see you later." Anders was left alone, standing in the middle of the bar and cursing himself under his breath this time. What was that he had seen? Hurt? Disappointment? _Don't be an idiot, it was probably relief and you just want to see something else. _He would never be able to figure it out anyway; he was too busy focusing on not drowning in the brilliant blue gaze.

"It's a shame," Isabela sighed.

Anders jumped again. _Blasted rogues, always sneaking up on me._ "What is?"

She was looking toward the door, and they watched Douglas hesitate for a moment before slipping out into the darkness of the night. "How a man like that always ends up going home to a cold bed," she said, unable to keep her own desire out of her voice.

Anders studied her for a moment. That couldn't be true could it? Douglas was always swarmed with women, and sometimes even men; the rogue could have anyone he wanted. The mage looked back at the empty doorway, deciding Isabela had to be wrong. She sighed and shrugged like she had heard his thoughts, "Well, goodnight." She turned, beckoning a man with a finger and a smirk to follow her up the stairs.

Anders sighed to himself and set off home to a cold, dark, empty clinic to toss and turn before exhaustion would finally win out, and where the nightmares shifted to his light in all the darkness. Douglas.


	2. Douglas Perspective

Douglas paused near the door, debating on turning back around and insisting on walking the blonde mage home. He thought better of it since it seemed pretty clear the man wasn't interested in him, and he slipped outside into the waiting darkness. Anders had told him from the beginning he had been with men, so it wasn't that, which meant it had to be something about Douglas. The rogue recounted the events of the night on his walk home, trying to figure out what he had been doing wrong when it came to Anders, not that this was the first time Douglas' advances had been rejected, but he was usually just flirting. If he didn't figure it out soon he was going to resort to outright begging the man to be with him, or at least ask Anders to tell him why the mage refused to be.

The rogues had insisted on mingling in the bar tonight; they all knew full well Douglas wasn't going to be able to sit in a small room with Anders much longer without climbing over the table and kissing the mage. With Varric's tales of Douglas' heroics in the Deep Roads, there were plenty of distractions. Varric and Isabela kept him up to date about the running pool on which person was going to land Douglas first, which all the rogues found extremely amusing. Douglas didn't mind keeping the entertainment going, he was a natural flirt anyway and honestly it was kind of fun to see what people would come up with to try and garner his interest.

After the first failed attempt by a blonde woman who was telling him all about how limber she was, Anders caught Douglas openly staring at him. The rogue wasn't shy about letting his attraction be known, so he smiled, but the other man had turned beet red and then scowled at him, making it pretty clear he didn't appreciate being leered at. Douglas hated the thought of making the other man uncomfortable, especially when all he wanted to do was hold the mage in his arms and kiss what he could still only assume were sweet, soft lips after his own failed attempt to find out.

Luckily, another woman came to try her hand at seducing Douglas, a brunette this time, and he sincerely tried to pay attention to her description of what she would do with various food items, but Douglas' eyes were drawn back to Anders who was directly behind her in the rogue's line of vision. Anders seemed nervous about something, and he didn't even notice his glass was empty, but Douglas cheered inwardly, this affording him an opportunity to talk to the mage by buying him a drink.

After his order was handed to him, he excused himself from the jabbering woman who thought the drink had been ordered for her. He apologized, explaining it was for his friend who seemed to need it more, promising next time he would make it up to her with a charming smile. Douglas walked over to Anders; the mage was totally oblivious to his approach, and nearly jumped into the fire when the rogue spoke. Douglas had a small pang of sadness when Anders only called him by his family name now, remembering the night years ago when the mage had used his given name, how nice it had sounded and intimate it felt. The mage seemed reluctant to accept the drink Douglas had bought him, looking around the tavern to make sure no one was watching before taking it. Douglas wasn't sure if Anders was embarrassed of the fact he might not have been able to afford the drink, most of the profits the mage earned going straight to the clinic and the refugees, or if the other man simply didn't want to accept a drink from a man, or just Douglas.

It was a rogue's job to lie, but not only that, more importantly to know when someone else was, and Anders was lying when he said he was people watching. Douglas was unsure why the other man felt the need to lie to him, he practically raved about the treatment of mages in the middle of the street but Douglas didn't mind that, he actually agreed. Douglas studied Anders, trying to figure out why, but he couldn't and decided it was the mage's way of dismissing him. Douglas extended his offer for company anyway, and after a moment's pause went ahead and flirted with the man again by suggesting he liked to nibble. The mage laughed out of politeness before he cringed at the thought of Douglas nibbling him. He could have kicked himself for making the other man uncomfortable again and turned to leave the poor man alone.

The rogue was of course intercepted by another interested party, another blonde, and he could have sworn he had heard something about dwarves in drag and goats, but he wasn't fully paying attention. He was more interested in the fact that shortly after he had left Anders' company, the mage had walked over to some redhead in the corner. This explained the nerves, he was trying to build up his courage to talk to her, and Douglas hadn't done the mage any favors by interrupting him and giving false impressions. He dismissed the blonde woman quickly, making his way back to his friends. "And that is what a crash and burn looks like." Douglas gave a slight bow at his performance before he laughed at himself.

Isabela laughed also. "I find it odd that with everyone throwing themselves at you, the one person you are actually interested is completely shutting you down, and yet, you keep trying. Why do you bother?"

Douglas turned, leaning back and resting his elbows on the bar to look at the mage who was smiling and flirting with the redheaded woman, completely oblivious of the rogue who spent his nights dreaming about the blonde man. "I don't know. There's just something about him, like I can see myself happy with him," Douglas said with a shrug, "but I guess that is just a stupid notion since he is _obviously_ not interested."

His friends didn't say anything, leaving Douglas to ponder what Anders saw in this redhead that he didn't possess. She seemed sweet. Douglas could be sweet. Or at least he thought he could, but more likely he was apt to crack a joke. She seemed innocent. Douglas was far from innocent, but he didn't randomly take people back to his bed either; he would rather know there was a shot at a relationship before going to that step. She was pretty. The rogue was fairly certain he was good looking; not that he had an ego about it, but when you are told it often enough even you have to believe, it right? She was a female. That was one thing Douglas definitely wasn't, maybe Karl was a onetime thing for Anders. Although the way it sounded when the mage talked about it, it didn't seem like the only time, but maybe Douglas was wrong; the last time he had made an ass out of himself the other party had been a young woman also. He gave a disheartened sigh before pushing himself away from the bar and walking up to Varric's room.

The dwarf must have slipped away from the bar when Douglas was trying to figure out what the redhead had he didn't because Varric was there in his room, and Douglas apologized, "Sorry, was just getting my axes."

"Don't worry about it, Hawke." Douglas picked up his weapons and turned to leave. "Oh, and Hawke..." He stopped and faced the dwarf. "Don't give up on Blondie just yet. Remember, Rivaini put herself in the pool."

Douglas chuckled, "Well there's an interesting thought." He shook his head and turned back toward the door, waving over his shoulder. "Goodnight Varric, Bianca."

Douglas re-entered the main room of the tavern, telling Isabela goodnight, and it seemed Anders was getting ready to leave also. Maybe if the other man would let Douglas walk him home he could at least apologize for being so forward, possibly find out if he stood a chance at all. Douglas tried not to look too disappointed when the mage shot him down again, keeping his fake smile intact as best he could. There was no need to try and make the other man feel worse about all this, and he left.

Now back in his Hightown estate, he crawled into his cold, lonely bed. His eyes had closed to dream of his sweet mage, but they popped back open when the whole bed shook violently. "Maker, Loki! I was almost asleep," he grumped at the dog, whose only response was to shove his large paws in Douglas' back. Douglas shook his head with a heavy sigh and moved over as close to the edge of the bed as possible without falling out, and he closed his eyes again.


End file.
